so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
