The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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