Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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