so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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