last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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