OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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