I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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