Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Everyone says I win the strip club
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
