I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
