Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
