Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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