i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
