I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
