Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
