apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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