best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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