I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
