After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize