went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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