I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
