if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
