I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
