either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
