She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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