What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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