hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
