I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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