I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
