this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
