come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
