I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
