walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
