You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Randomize
