I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
i think my cat just said my name.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
