You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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