I just cut my nipple shaving
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize