The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
