this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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