How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
