So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
