I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize