Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
