: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
