It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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