Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
