Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
