i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
