Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
