conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize