Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
