In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
