On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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