Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
