Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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