i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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