watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
