it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
