It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
